The Cancer Glancer

Cancerversary

2010-12-10T12:23:00.002-05:00

Exactly a year ago today I was diagnosed with cancer.

Today, I'm cancer free and celebrating life in Florida with some of my very best friends in the whole world.

Reader Request!

2010-11-21T14:34:00.002-05:00

Since two of my very loyal readers have asked, I thought I'd post a follow up about the lifestyle change suggestions from the conference.

First off! Personal products! Parabens and Phthalates are pretty uniformly bad, and you should try to get them out of anything that touches your body, or at least reduce the number of products you use that have them. After extensive research (aka wandering around Sephora for an hour) Caitlin and I determined that Tarte and Bare Minerals are your best bets for fairly-easy-to-find makeup. Korres and The Body Shop are also pretty good about ingredients (and don't have that distinct, hippy-product smell. You know, like in the toiletries aisle at Whole Foods. That smell.)

A more detailed rundown of why certain products are specifically linked the breast cancer is here, and The Campaign for Safe Cosmetics is a pretty good resource in general for checking out what's in your products (and gives you a nice, color coded safety rating!)

Next! Plastics. They're kinda nasty, and while some are proven to be worse than others, it is best to keep them away from your food as much as possible. Things to definitely stop doing right now:

using plastic wrap on foods

microwaving anything in plastic

reusing or freezing plastic waterbottles

letting plastics 3, 6, or 7 touch your food

Things to consider working on:

storing food in any plastic at all (I am switching over to glass storage containers!)

stop using nonstick cookware in favor of cast iron, glass, or stainless steel

Also! Food. To be specific, produce. You might have already seen the Environmental Working Group's guide to produce shopping. Consider checking out the dirty dozen and the clean 15 and modifying your organic produce shopping accordingly.

All that being said, if you've been in my apartment you probably realize that this is more of a do as I say and not as I do sitch, as I pretty much hoard shampoos and lotions and all other toiletries and I'm probably going to use up every last drop before I make any switches. Also, organic produce is damn expensive and I often carry it around the grocery store and then switch it out for the cheaper, non-organic alternative at the last minute... (trying to work on that)

Firsts

2010-11-20T23:59:00.005-05:00

Today was a big day of firsts! To begin, I got my first post-chemo haircut. (!!!!, right?)

From:

To:

(So, okay, the changes are pretty minor, but it's less wispy! And more intentional looking! And I swear I don't look so brood-y all the time!)

I'm slightly impressed with my hair growing ability, as it's been under a year since my last haircut. Also, it seems that the shorter my hair is, the more compliments I get from random strangers, so hopefully the quarter inch that was removed will up the rate of compliments again.

After that, I went and ran a full 8 miles, which is a new personal distance record! I am now, hopefully, nearly prepared for the 50k relay I'm running in a couple weeks. Heart problems be damned!

After the run, I promptly went and passed out for an hour and a half. (You know, that whole not-enough-energy problem)

Tales from the cancer conference

2010-11-17T17:26:00.003-05:00

I'm home now from my trip to Philly for the LBBC Conference and New York to visit Caitlin. It was a good, but long, but good, but emotionally exhausting, but good weekend. I'll go chronologically:

I started at the DTW airport. They now have those backscatter x-ray machines. They use seemingly random selection to determine who gets to go through it. As soon as I stepped into the security line I started panicking about how I was going to opt out of the scanner, because, obviously, it would be just my luck that I'd get picked to go through it. And I'm pretty sure that I've had enough radiation exposure without the scan. So, I start to freak out about how they might think that I've got something to hide if I decline the scan, and then I break out in hives because I'm so nervous. If I didn't look suspicious before, I do at this point.

Magically, I don't get chosen. I just get the regular old metal detector. (Which, by the way, has yet to pick up my port, which I'm pretty sure is full-out metal.)

Eventually I get to the hotel in Philly and meet up with my roommate, Carrie, who is awesome. It was super nice to finally meet her in person! Plus, the hotel was pretty swank!

Apparently, at breast cancer conferences, there is a whole lot of "you show me yours and I'll show you mine" because there are a whole lot of fake breasts. As one of the few who still has real breasts, I felt a little bit like a voyeur (at least, I can't really identify with the ins and outs of breast reconstruction) and also some anxieties that I made the wrong surgical choice really resurfaced. I will say, though, that there are some damn good surgeons out there!

I'll start off by saying I truly, truly appreciate the privilege of being able to attend the conference and to meet all of the fab people that I met. That said, the actual scheduled portions of the conference were a bit lackluster. I blame part of this on being hyper-aware, but a lot of the information seemed to be targeted to a less aware and (fair enough!) older audience.

Of the things I took away, I learned most of them from fellow attendees rather than presenters at the event (and maybe that's the point?!) These things include:

FLAXSEED! 2 tablespoons a day, to be exact

If you only take one vitamin, take D.

Don't let plastics touch your food (okay I knew this but now I'll really do it)

Parabens and Phthalates do not belong in your personal products (I knew this too, but, again, now I'll really do it)

So, I've come back and straightened out my act a little bit! Caitlin and I even went out, sorted through ever cosmetic product known to the human race, and picked out the three acceptable ones and bought them up. I now just need to also transition the rest of the things that touch my body (shampoo, lotion, etc etc etc).

Like I said before, it's nice to have a shared experience with a group of people and not have to explain the weird quirks or fears or what have you that come with that experience. At the same time, it can also be really tough to have such a shitty experience be in the forefront of your thoughts for an extended period of time. One of the topics of conference was how to deal with limited energy and limited time, post cancer diagnosis. Obviously, I struggle with this (I exhaust myself too often because I don't want to miss anything) and I don't think that the suggestions from the presenter (limit your activities, scale back at work, get more rest) were really all that helpful, at least for me. I don't really have the luxury to limit my activities, and I don't have the desire to cut out fun things I do in favor of rest, so I remain pretty stuck on this one. (And will continue to treat this problem with caffeine until it fails me)

Cancer/Conference Weekend

2010-11-12T21:02:00.000-05:00

I just got into Philly for the weekend for the LBBC Annual Conference (and a quick vacation). I’m quite looking forward to meeting up and hanging out with a few people who I’m e-familiar with (like my conference roommate, Carrie!) and perhaps making some new friends too. While I don’t fully buy into the cancer-club, I do think there is something to be said for shared experience, especially when you go through something that’s pretty unique to your peer group.

I’m also a little bit scared that this weekend will be emotionally rough, as I haven’t had to focus that much of my attention on cancer in a while. An intensive 8 in the morning to 5 at night cancer conference might be a lot to take in. I’m hoping it’s all positive and constructive and that it doesn’t cause me to think too heavily about my experiences. Depending on how I feel when I wake up in the morning, I might attend some of the less serious breakout sessions. (Thank goodness they provide so many options, eh?!)

Cool news on the whole can-you-patent-a-gene front

2010-11-09T17:37:00.002-05:00

I'm a teensy bit late on this, but the Federal Government filed a brief with the Court of Appeals stating that genes should be ineligible for patents. You can read the NYT article here.

My initial reaction to this case was, obviously you can't just go around patenting genes! And then my but-I'm-a-cancer-patient reaction was, oh my god maybe we should just let companies patent genes because that's the only way they're going to pour beaucoup bucks into the research. But then I realized that that's patently NOT right and also a big scare tactic that shouldn't be taken too seriously.

However, what I'm legitimately worried about: the Republican takeover of the House and their vendetta against health care reform. Yikes.

a week late (but still just as ridiculous!)

2010-11-06T17:45:00.004-04:00

Try as I might, I failed to make it through Breast Cancer Awareness Month without making a ridiculous pink purchase.

So, I'm at the grocery store. There are lots of options for any given item, so if the one I want happens to be plastered with pink ribbons, I can make a substitution for a different brand (or find the ones that were shelved pre-October). This is how I maneuvered through most of October. Except, chemo brain + stress + to many crazy hormone changes can make one a little bit forgetful. So, despite going to the grocery store solely to get cat food, I failed to purchase any. I realized this as soon as I hit the parking lot. I thought it was a completely normal impulse to NOT want to go back into the same store I just came out of, so I went to the Walgreens across the street for cat food. Obviously, the only acceptable option is the one pictured above. Because, again, obviously, cat food has EVERYTHING to do with breast cancer.

So, on October 30th, I caved in and bought a cancer item. Cancer catfood. Ugh.

two things to celebrate

2010-11-05T12:14:00.002-04:00

1. It is my main squeeze Caitlin's LAST DAY OF CHEMO EVER. Take 2 minutes out of your very busy day and go give her a shout out. Just trust me, she is so awesome and deserves it.

2. I am getting my (USB) port removed on December 13th. ZOMG. I will have been a cyborg for 11 months by then. I am so very, very excited. (Please remind me of this moment when I am complaining about how much trouble I have getting IVs inserted...)

broken-hearted

2010-11-04T10:28:00.003-04:00

In hopes that the initial signs of this were just a temporary blip and not indicative of any grander problem, I failed to mention that my every-three-month heart scan showed a 10% decrease in heart function. I could have sworn up and down that my doctor told me 10% was the cutoff for stopping Herceptin treatment, but when we discussed the results she wanted me to get another round of treatment and then retest.

Since I love, love, love having IVs stuck in me, wiggled around, pulled back out, and then restuck, you can maybe imagine how overjoyed I was to be getting heart scans once a month rather than once every three! (Besides that, though, they really aren't SO bad and they have fancy nature scene overhead lighting covers so it's almost (almost!) peaceful.

You can probably guess where this is headed. My heart function has dropped another 7%, so, for now, I'm off the Herceptin and being re-tested every 4 weeks. I'm a little bit jazzed that I get 4 weeks off from the hospital. The chemo room is still the most depressing place and makes me panicky (and elicits irritating comments from people). The thing I've been holding on to, though, is that my cancer can't possibly come back because I'm getting cancer's silver bullet (my surgeon's words). I know I'm on a hopefully temporary break, but I liked the security of a symptom-less treatment that did magical things against cancer.

I'm also terrified about my heart. Herceptin-related heart function problems are generally reversible, but Adriamycin-related problems often aren't, and there's no magic test to figure out what's going on with mine so I'm again a member of the wait and see club. Statistically I'm probably going to be fine, but when you're one in 300,000, you become pretty skeptical of statistics.

I've been experiencing a fair amount of anxiety over trying to act as though I'm back to normal and all done with cancer even though I'm still actually undergoing treatment and experiencing ridiculous cancer treatment side effects along with it. Now that I look normal, I have a harder time letting on that I don't feel normal, because I like when people don't treat me like I'm ill. I really like it. Cancer culture kinda sucks.

I see my surgeon tomorrow for my whatever month follow up and then I have THREE STRAIGHT WEEKS of not setting foot in a hospital. (I could change that and finally schedule my six week post-radiation follow up appointment, but I decided that I am totally fine and it didn't even cost me a $30 co-pay so I might just never go back!)

In honor of pinktober

2010-10-11T18:48:00.004-04:00

If you've left your dwelling recently, or turned on a television, or maybe even turned on the radio, you probably realize that it is breast cancer awareness month! (Since there might be 4 or 5 people in the United States who are still not aware of breast cancer.)

In case you were having really strong feelings about that pink bag of Doritos or that special ribbon tissue box, might I recommend the following:

Pink Ribbon Fatigue

Welcome to Cancerland (look, I know I already told y'all to read this, but it's just that good. read it now. or re-read it!)

Think Before You Pink: the blog

6,000 Runners Fail to Discover Cure for Breast Cancer (just for funsies!)

And, since you're all probably wondering, this is what my hair looks like right now. The humidity in Portland is really bringin' out the chemo curl in the back. It's goofy looking. Luckily, I can't successfully take a picture of the back of my head, so you can't see it unless you come to Portland tonight and hang out with me.

Getting off my soapbox and back to my vacation now. xoxox

Oops

2010-09-16T17:54:00.002-04:00

As you've maybe noticed, I pretty much abandoned my blog a month ago in favor of bigger, better, real-life-off-the-internet things.

Like you might have guessed, I finished radiation without any major problems. It's nice to not drive to the hospital every day. My burns have nearly healed.

My hair continues to grow in. Strangers compliment it fairly regularly (apparently I look pretty awesome).

I started my Lupron shots and so far so good. So far being 6 days.

I spend most of my time trying to do "normal people" things and forgetting that I lost 9 months of my life to a really lame disease.

Importantly, I managed to find the one other 24 year old woman in the entire world (exaggerating) with breast cancer, and she (Caitlin) came to Ann Arbor and we hung out and we are SOULMATES. She is awesome. Go write cool comments on her blog because she totally deserves them.

I'm back at work full time, wishing I slept more, and spending a lot of time trying to be good at running again. I decided to blow off the 5k this weekend, but in favor of a 5 miler tomorrow, so I think it's a fair enough trade off.

I really intended this to be lots longer and more involved but I'm not feeling especially reflective today. I'll try really hard to be a better blogger in the future, though!

Burnt

2010-08-11T21:32:00.002-04:00

I have four (FOUR!) days of radiation left before I get to shift down to visiting the hospital only every three weeks instead of every day, and my GOODNESS am I looking forward to it. Mostly because I can't stand driving across town every morning at 10:00 am along with every person in town that never learned how to drive, but also because I'm getting uncomfortably burnt and would really like to start healing it rather than continue burning it. And because having a weird blue amoeba-like shape drawn on my chest is kind of unusual.

I attempted to capture a picture of the burn but I haven't yet mastered the self portrait, and especially struggle with the awkwardly angled self portrait, so if you are so inclined, check out my friend Erin's radiation burns and then subtract the broken skin and a little bit of the redness (at least so far).

The radiation is starting to have a bit of a noticeable effect, fatigue-wise, but still nothing compared to chemo. Instead of needing 4 naps a day, I just need to go to bed earlier, and get, say, 11 hours of sleep a night... (Okay, and maybe 1 nap)

In other triumphant news, I completed my first post-chemo 3 mile run with no walk breaks this weekend, which has for a long time seemed like a big hurdle that I'd never reach. Grant, they were slow, slloooww miles, but I did them. I'm now planning to make my debut back into the racing world with the Detroit Zoo 5k on September 19th. I only need to shave off about 8 minutes to get back to my PR from December...

The Big Reveal

2010-08-03T17:32:00.003-04:00

Exactly 52 days after my last chemo treatment the scarves are off! I was prepared to keep them on a while longer because my hair is still scruffy looking (or "fuzzy" as some might say) but I showed it to my friend Cara while I was visiting her this weekend and she told me it had grown out enough that I could pull off the buzz cut look, so I took of my scarf before we headed out to dinner.

I've gotten surprisingly used to the scarves and I feel a bit naked walking around in public without them, but it's also much cooler and much less of a hassle to not feel like The Bald Cancer Patient. Plus, while Cara and I were out shopping one woman told me it looked cool so I like to think that perhaps extremely short hair just suits me and my extremely badass personality.

It's still a bit sparse in the front and it isn't really *my* hair color yet (it's really light?) but it's HAIR and I'm very glad to have some of it back.

Lumps version 3.0?

2010-07-26T17:03:00.002-04:00

While dutifully applying my aloe gel on Saturday night I noticed a big lump around my right ribs/sternum. Try as I might, I couldn't find a matching lump on the left side. I did some Google research and couldn't find anything that would suggest that one of my ribs should turn lumpy from radiation, so I panicked a little bit. Luckily, now that I've panicked over lots of other lumps already, my panicking is pretty boring and really entails me writing a couple emails saying I'm vaguely concerned and then forgetting about it.

I asked my radiation techs today to feel it to see if they thought it was normal. They said they didn't think it was anything serious but they made me an appointment to go see the nurse practitioner anyway. She felt it, agreed that it was far lumpier on the right side, and said it was most likely just inflamed soft tissue on top of my rib bone. I'm just supposed to monitor it to make sure it doesn't become painful or huge.

She told me to not feel bad about coming to them with every little lump and bump... Enabler.

Where I un-criticize the medical community

2010-07-21T22:23:00.003-04:00

Remember when I criticized the medical community for suggesting that radiation works best when it is administered on a 5 days on, 2 days off schedule? I take it back! I take it all back. You all were right -- weekends are definitely necessary. And perhaps we should even consider moving to a 4 on, 3 off schedule?

This morning while laying on the radiation table I thought to myself, "thank GOODNESS it is Thursday and I only have one more treatment before my skin can have 2 days off to heal up a little bit." Oops. It's only Wednesday. I have to zapped two more times this week before I get to take a break.

I'm nearly halfway through radiation (16 treatments down, 19 left..) and I am sporting a nice pink square on my chest that gets a little worse every day, but I'm hoping it stops at really pink and doesn't ever venture into the seriously burned, peeling, raw skin territory. Luckily it's only a bit tender, though things like running don't feel especially great right now. Being the supreme badass that I am, though, I somehow manage to power through the pain (or, you know, slight discomfort).

I also saw my Oncologist earlier this week and she seemed to think I was out of my mind for thinking that I would be immediately able to drop my chemo weight right after chemo ended. Apparently my body still has no idea what is going on, my hormones are all out of whack, and she told me to give it a year - a year - for the weight to come off. That's ridiculous, right? I thought so too.

Fuzzy

2010-07-17T10:25:00.002-04:00

I was talking recently with a friend who has also had breast cancer about going through the whole "cancer experience" and she said that she's forgotten a lot of specifics about it. And looking back I realized that I have started to forget already too.

She asked me what I thought about right after my diagnosis when I spent a lot of time sitting in bed at my parent's house, and honestly, I don't remember.

I don't remember anymore what award show was on when my neck spazzed out from Compazine. The Emmys? How long did I sleep before my neck un-cricked? Was I really scared that something serious was wrong, or was I not that worried about it?

Did I really go out for sushi the week after my first chemo? (Yes.) Why did that sound good!?

I no longer get a wave of nausea when I think about chemo, the hospital, or feeling nauseous.

Chemo is becoming particularly fuzzy. I can't recall what days I felt sick or what days I felt best. I can no longer remember who came to visit on what days after which treatment. I don't remember when it turned from winter to spring. It seems like a big blur of 5 months.

I'm not upset that these memories are slipping away from me. I like no longer feeling acutely aware of the crap that is cancer treatment.

However, I still never ever want to set foot in a Panera again, as I'm sure I would be instantly sick. It's obviously not *all* slipping away.

A relatively lackluster update

2010-07-09T21:19:00.003-04:00

Dear Loyal Blog Readers,

Please forgive my two week disappearance, I have been spending my time commuting to and from radiation, going to work, exercising, battling with chemo-induced menopause, seeing old friends, and catching up on TV shows, and I seem to have lost track of my blogging duties.

I am done with two weeks of radiation (well, 8 treatments rather than 10 because of the fakeout and the holiday), and so far, so good. No major skin reactions, just a bit of tenderness. No major exhaustion to speak of so far either, but all of the ladies in the waiting room today kind of gave me the "just you wait!" talk so we'll see in a few weeks.

I've been slacking a teeny tiny bit on my exercising 5 - 6 times a week goal, but not by too much. And perhaps it was a lofty goal anyway, since I've only been done with chemo for 4 weeks and that crap is by no means fully out of my system yet. However, my run today went well - 1.5 miles without any walk breaks! - so I'm feeling motivated enough to pick and start training for a 5k! And then hopefully many more races after that.

As for the chemo-induced menopause (or "chemopause", if you will), my biggest issue is hot flashes. And let it be known that one cannot fully understand the disgusting, awful thing that is hot flashes until she has had one. I pish-poshed them a bit until I started having them. All I can say is they are really, really dreadful (though, at least in my case, really short!) One thing that I have found helpful in sleeping through the night and not waking up thinking my room is on fire is the Chillow! I wanted one of these the summer after my junior year of college when it was blazingly hot in Kalamazoo and our apartment's air conditioner didn't really condition much of anything, but I never went through with it because it's such an infomercial product. It is, however, magically cold all of the time and I love it a lot.

For the 4th of July I went back to Kalamazoo with some friends and had a lovely, festive time. I learned again the hard way that I still can't keep up with everyone else my age and crashed hard when I got home 2 days later, but it was a great time!

While this may not seem as monumental to anyone else as it does to me, I discovered that I am once again able to watch Private Practice (a doctor/hospital show) without gagging OR feeling nauseous. Just one of many post-chemo triumphs to come, I'm sure.

(Friends who are not Amelia -- I am sure the mix cds are just in the mail and that's why I haven't gotten them yet, but in case you'd like the process to be even easier than using the US Postal Service, please feel free to just put the playlist together and upload it and I'll burn it to a CD myself! I know, I know, cancer makes you so thoughtful!)

Radiation Fake Out

2010-06-29T09:40:00.002-04:00

I went to my first radiation treatment yesterday (at 9am, ouch ouch! since starting chemo I can NOT function this early in the morning) only to find that the first appointment is a "dry run" where they lay you on the table and take x-rays instead of give you radiation. I guess this isn't a huge deal, but I think they should warn you beforehand so I didn't have to spend all weekend psyching myself out about my first radiation treatment, only to have to psych myself out again last night.

I had my REAL first treatment a few minutes ago, and it was totally nothing and took about 5 minutes on the table. I know that the side effects are cumulative so I should give it a few weeks before I actually call it nothing, but I'm fine for now.

The rules of radiation include:

No armpit shaving

Nothing on the skin being radiated and no antiperspirant/deodorant.

However, I asked my radiation oncologist of I could use some all natural, organic stuff, and she said yes! Luckily, Tom's of Maine fits the bill perfectly:

I was worried that it wouldn't be especially effective, especially given my current two month pass for unlimited hot yoga, but I wore it to class last night and despite sweating off half my body weight I didn't smell afterward.

Now I'm back in the chemo room waiting for my Herceptin treatment. The 3 week break from this room was nice, and I am really not thrilled to be back. Just the smell makes me feel a little sick to my stomach.

As a reminder, I'm still accepting mix CDs for my daily drive to the hospital ;] Currently, Animal Collective's Fall Be Kind is nice too-early-to-be-awake driving music.

All Clear

2010-06-26T13:48:00.002-04:00

This past week I have my 6 month follow up MRI and the results came back all clear -- nothing even remotely suspicious which is great since breast MRIs are notorious for picking up a lot of benign junk. I know this was to be expected after surgery and 20 weeks of chemo but I still was relieved to get the all clear to go ahead with radiation and I can now stop worrying about finding new growth and having to go back and have a mastectomy.

I also met with my radiation team this week and did my simulation, got a mold of my upper body made so they can be sure I don't wiggle while being radiated, got my radiation tattoos (4 tiny little strategically placed black dots) so they can line me up right every day, and learned that I have been doing basic math wrong for the past 6 months. I know radiation is typically 33 - 35 daily treatments, and in my head this worked out to 6 weeks. Because obviously 5 x 6 = 35.... I was not especially thrilled to learn either that chemo brain is taking over my math skills or that I'll have to drive to the hospital every day for a week more than I thought, but I'll survive.

Neither of the radiation techs asked me if I had any family history of breast cancer OR if the diagnosis came as a surprise, so I think we're going to get along quite well. I start bright and early on Monday morning. Please feel free to make me mix CDs because I'm going to be spending a lot more time in my car.

Some Good News!

2010-06-16T19:54:00.005-04:00

Today was the first Wednesday in TWELVE weeks that I did not have to go to chemo, and it was quite nice! And doubly nice because the Ann Arbor Farmer's Market happens downtown on Wednesdays and I got to stop in for some local organic produce and a delicious crepe!

Additionally, I had my first post-surgery, post-chemo mammogram of my right breast on Monday and it was given the all clear. I didn't even need any additional macro-views taken (which is really excellent because those macro views HURT). I have a breast MRI next week to make sure everything is still looking cancer free (because mammograms are not the best diagnostic tool for those with dense breast tissue, ie, young women) but I'm assuming everything will go well there also.

Now that I'm done with chemo (and the accompanying steroids which make me craze sugary foods like crazy) I've decided it's time to buckle down and get back into shape! I (begrudgingly) welcomed Jillian Michaels back into my life this week.

I've lost pretty much all the strength that I had prior to starting chemo and luckily these workouts are short enough that I can get through them without passing out. However, I kind of hate Jillian and want to scream at her when she tries to encourage me through the television.

I'm also really determined to get my running endurance back, though it's looking fairly bleak right now. Yesterday 5 minutes was all it took to completely take my breath away, though I plan to keep it up at least twice a week.

(source)

And not to mention yoga! There will be lots of yoga in my future as well. Let's just say the theme of my next three months will be fitness, fitness, fitness. (Not to mention radiation, radiation, radiation).

And On It Goes...

2010-06-11T22:56:00.005-04:00

So, I'm done with chemo and I've already had surgery to remove my tumor. So what's left? Quite a lot! In case you're interested, the rest of my expected treatment plan is below, probably in way too much detail.

First, I'll be starting radiation soon (probably the last week of June). I'll receive radiation every weekday for 6 weeks. (Apparently radiation works best on a 9 - 5, Monday - Friday schedule... just like doctors!)

As well as the radiation, I'll also be continuing to receive Herceptin infusions once every 3 weeks until March of 2011. After this is done, I'll finally be able to get my cyborg port removed from my arm! It still gives me the heeby jeebies and I hate to touch it.

After radiation, I'll be beginning some type of hormone therapy (which really should be called anti-hormone therapy). Because my cancer was fueled by estrogen it's important for me to undergo hormone therapy to control the estrogen in my body. Generally in pre-menopausal women this is done with a drug called Tamoxifen, which binds to your body's estrogen before it can bind to anything else (like, say, cancer!) However, a blood test of my CYP2D6 genotype showed that I am a poor metabolizer of Tamoxifen, and therefore the drug will provide me with little to no benefit. Unfortunately, Tamoxifen is the only real standard of care in pre-menopausal women, which left me more than a little upset on Wednesday.

This doesn't mean that I'm suddenly without options, though. What I will most likely do instead of taking Tamoxifen is undergo ovarian suppression (this can be done surgically by removing the ovaries, or chemically with a few different drugs -- I'll be going the drugs route) in conjunction with an aromatase inhibitor. Because most estrogen in pre-menopausal women comes from their ovaries, I'll need to shut mine down entirely, thus making myself post-menopausal. Of course all of the awesome side effects of menopause will come along with this! Once I am post-menopausal, an aromatase inhibitor will prevent androgen from converting to estrogen in my body.

Ideally, I will undergo this treatment for 5 years, and then hopefully come back OUT of menopause sometime around 29! The downside of this treatment plan is that the long term effects of complete ovarian suppression in young women aren't well know, but I suppose it's better to find out the long term side effects than to die before they have the chance to present themselves, eh?

So, when I am done with treatment? Hopefully some time before my 30th birthday. But at least my hair will grow back well before then.

Done with Chemo!

2010-06-10T22:46:00.004-04:00

Wednesday was officially my last day of chemotherapy! I made it through 20 freaking weeks of toxic infusions and I am so so so glad to be done.

I wore my fancy hat to the hospital this week as a sign of celebration. I got lots of compliments and one of the phlebotimists told me I was rocking the Alicia Keys look. It's a shame that I bought this hat in December or January and never wore it out til this week!

And then I said peace out to the hospital.

(And by peace out I mean, see you on Monday for a mammogram, and then the following Monday for an MRI) After MY LAST CHEMO my family and Megan went out for a celebratory dinner.

(Megan took the picture and is therefore not in it, but she was there!) After dinner we hit up Coldstone for ice cream because obviously this was an extra special day and called for a few thousand extra calories to be consumed!

And now on to the rest of my long, long treatment plan which I will try to detail here in the next few days.

Baldy

2010-06-05T15:00:00.000-04:00

On Wednesday, after my next-to-last chemo, I begged my mom to re-shave my head. The peach fuzz covering about 10% of my head was about an inch long and was looking real scrappy. Plus, once it all starts growing in, I kind of want it all to be about the same length rather than have 10% of my hair be an inch longer than the rest.

It actually took a lot of pleading, but she finally agreed. (I assure you that it looks better fully bald than with gross scrappy sporadic fuzz). Since, fingers crossed, now that I only have one chemo treatment left, it will be all growing in soon enough, I figured I'd better document the bald while it's still there. I've been very hesitant throughout my whole chemo experience to display my bald head, but I figured I might as well since hopefully it will be going away soon and forever!

So, for your viewing pleasure, this is what I look like, totally bald, and with pencilled in eyebrows!

Or, if you prefer, a more artsy shot with some messed up color balances.

Now you'll never have to ask me to take off my head scarf for you. Because I probably won't.

UP NORTH Michigan 2010

2010-06-03T21:16:00.006-04:00

Last weekend I travelled up to Frankfort, MI with Stacy and Steve, firstly because we needed to re-create the trip we took up two years ago, and secondly because Lake Michigan is gorgeous and relaxing and just what a chemo girl needs.

Pretty much the first thing we did was walk down to the beach:

And skip some stones and try not to burn our feet on the hot sand. Friday afternoon, Stacy and I went to a Yin Yoga class in downtown Frankfort. There is nothing quite like holding poses for a really really long time while looking out over the lake. I wish I had a live-in yoga instructor.

Eventually Nick also arrived and we grilled out and watched Footloose, because everyone was shocked that I had never seen it.

On Saturday Stacy and I went for a 2 mile run/walk (and then Stacy went for like another 5 miles after she dropped me at home because she's awesome and not chemo'ed). Then we all went canoeing on the Platte River, where I've been going since I was a little kid. (Though my last childhood memory of canoeing includes me crying and in pain)

Waiting at Riverside Canoes:

Our route:

I got to be at the head of the canoe. Also known as the person who doesn't have to do a lot of work (but still managed to get really sore)

Our leisurely canoe trip quickly turned into a power canoe race because Steve is a super athlete and just can't help himself.

But we did have time for a snack break in the middle.

After about an hour and 15 minutes, we reached Lake Michigan. (They typically allow 2.5 hours for this journey...)

We also fit in a little mini golf. I beat everyone but Steve. Obviously.

On Sunday we hit up another yoga class and then the pier in downtown Frankfort before driving back down state.

It was a little tough saying bye to Lake Michigan (and eventually my friends, too) but hopefully I'll be able to get back there some time this summer. And hopefully I'll also have at least a buzz cut when I go back. And perhaps next time I won't crash and burn so hard upon arriving home because my body will actually be able to keep up with the big kids soon.

Benign

2010-05-31T20:30:00.002-04:00

I meant to post this last week but was in a big hurry to get out of town for a trip up north and then didn't really have access to the internet except through my spacephone. However, I am happy (or, at least, not upset) to report that I did see my surgeon last week (because she manages to fit me in no matter how busy she is!) and my lump (or should I say lumps because we found 3) are just areas of fibrocystic tissue and nothing to be concerned about.

I'm now trying to memorize the locations of these lumps, plus the lipoma, so if I find a lump besides those 4, I can then make sure to worry about that one.

Lumphobia is now being added to my cancer dictionary.

I'll eventually get around to blogging about my trip as well. However, I'm just so relaxed now that I think it will have to wait a few days.

Poodles and Lumps

2010-05-26T22:01:00.003-04:00

As promised, please find below a crappy iPhone photo of the resident Therapy Poodle in my infusion room! He is silly and I never pet him, but I do sometimes mock him under my breath. Look at that red sweater vest! What was he even thinking when he got dressed! Today was my 10th of 12 Taxol treatments, meaning I am even closer to being DONE with chemo. To make it even more weighty, today was my 14th out of 16 total treatments. It has been a long, long road.

Today when I got home from treatment and crashed out and decided to watch Say Anything (I've really been loving these 80s teen movies) I also decided that it was high time I figured out where my lipoma in my left breast was so it wasn't ever able to sneak up and scare me later. While feeling around for it I unfortunately found what feels like a different lump. I know that it is just so, so unlikely that it's cancer, because I've been through 14 cancer treatments! Any cancer would be DEAD! But at the same time, I am absolutely terrified. I'm going to be calling my doctor(s) tomorrow to try and get an appointment and having somebody ultrasound this little thing before I try and go away for a little vacation this weekend. Fingers crossed please that my surgeon isn't doing surgeries all day or that my oncologist happens to have an opening and an ultrasound machine at the ready.

I was really hoping that I didn't turn into a lump hypochondriac but it seems that I have become just that.

Luckily, I also found the lipoma so at least THAT ONE won't be freaking me out any time soon.

Rounding the Final Chemo Bend

2010-05-19T21:47:00.004-04:00

Today I received my 9th Taxol treatment so I am officially 75% done. I'm sure the next three will drag on longer than all eternity, but being THISCLOSE to being done with chemo feels nice.

Today I had another new nurse (you'd be surprised that any of them are new to me now that I'm in there every single week). Of course the usual conversation happened:

"So how did you find it?"

"I felt the lump myself in the shower."

"That's shocking. You must have been so shocked."

"Yes, I was very shocked."

Full disclouse: maybe I really wasn't that shocked. I spent a good deal of my adolescence reading books by Lurlene McDaniels (for those of you who don't want to click the link, wiki says "She is well-known for writing about characters struggling with mortality and chronic illness. Her characters have grappled with cancer, diabetes, organ failure, and the deaths of loved ones through disease or suicide.") My parents called this my "death and dying" phase. So I guess I could have answered this nurse, hey, I kind of always knew it'd happen to me. Except I kind of thought I grew out of that phase along with my Old Navy Tech Vests...

Anyway, I know that nurses mean well. They're freakin nurses! I could never do it. But I also kind of think they use the position of nurse to ask questions that are firstly obvious and secondly not really related to anything medical.

I also just remembered that I got a picture of the clinic's therapy poodle, which I usually shun. (Actually today I think they might have said it was a labradoodle which is even worse. But I might have benadryl-dreamed this too) I'll have to post that one tomorrow.

THREE WEEKS OF CHEMO LEFT!

Retail Therapy, Take 2

2010-05-17T21:02:00.002-04:00

My first attempt at retail therapy shoes gave me nasty blisters, so I tried again.

No blisters so far.

Additionally, hop on over to my twitter if you'd like to check out my trip to the grocery store disguise: http://twitter.com/katie_harlow/status/14186243518

Peach Fuzz

2010-05-12T22:28:00.000-04:00

(source)

My head has been covered in the teensiest layer of peach fuzz for weeks now, but the fuzz just isn't getting any longer or turning into normal hair. It probably doesn't help that I investigate it daily in my bathroom mirror to see if it's made any progress, but I'm sure it's not going anywhere. At this rate I fear my doctor is right and I won't have a hairstyle until September.

Additionally, my little sister told me that I look "creepy" when I blink because I only have about 5 eyelashes. Luckily, I have heard fantastic things about Latisse, Revitalash, and the like, so hopefully I'll be able to force my lashes to grow back pretty quickly after chemo ends (once I can convince myself to shell out hundreds for a little bottle.. geez!)

Miraculously, my white blood cells made quite a recovery this week and I didn't even come close to missing a treatment! Please everyone keep your fingers crosses that I don't miss any of my next 4 so that I can be DONE! Let me repeat, only FOUR more weeks of treatment.

Happy Mother's Day

2010-05-09T20:09:00.003-04:00

Today I want to take the focus of the blog off of me and wish my mom a happy Mother's Day.

Over the past 6 months our family has been through a lot and through it all, my mom has been there for me. She's had to shoulder the brunt of my emotional breakdowns, bad moods, and swearing fits, and she has handled it all much more gracefully than I would ever be able to.

I know I owe her a lot more than a blog post and there should be far more than one day a year dedicated to thanking our mothers, but hopefully it's a start.

Thank you Mom, I love you!!!

Lipoma

2010-05-08T20:33:00.002-04:00

Yesterday I had a three month follow up appointment with my surgeon. I'm getting so used to medical appointments that I forgot to even get nervous beforehand. After examining my cancerous breast she moved onto my "good" one. After about 20 seconds she kept going back over the same area. I panicked. I really wasn't expecting her to find anything out of the ordinary.

She immediately told me it was probably nothing, a cyst maybe, but she had to go get an ultrasound machine. At this point I really panicked. All of the emotions that I experienced with my original diagnostic ultrasounds came rushing back, and then some. What if there was another tumor? How could it possibly have survived all this chemo? Am I going to have to have another surgery?

She quickly performed an ultrasound on the offending lump and told me it was just a lipoma. A little, benign fatty tumor. Huge relief, though anything ending in "oma" sounds threatening so I think they might want to consider renaming them.

Same Old

2010-05-06T02:03:00.003-04:00

Yesterday I met with a group of young adult cancer survivors and a few other women, like myself, were young breast cancer survivors. We got to talking and we came to the quick consensus that we hate being introduced to any new medical professionals because of default series of statements and questions that seemingly all medical professionals feel they must say to young women with breast cancer.

This series, for me, goes something like:

Oh my you're so young! (Yes, yes I am)

Does breast cancer run in your family? (No, no breast cancer at all)

This must have been such a shock then! (Why yes, it certainly was)

I wonder if perhaps they would feel that my having breast cancer was completely justified if it did run in my family? Or if maybe they're just looking for a way to distance themselves from such an unfortunate and unlikely event. However, this conversation is almost never medically relevant (No, MUGA scan tech, my mom doesn't have breast cancer) and moreover, while I'm no expert in the keeping of medical records, I'm pretty sure all people who engage me in this conversation already have access to this information! And in some cases, definitely should have already looked it over before talking to me.

Luckily, I started with a new chemo nurse today and met with the mostly unhelpful social worker, so hopefully I'm done with this series for at least a few weeks. For now it's back to my zen goddess/surgeon and oncologist for a few weeks, 'til I get to go for my first post-surgery MRI and, most likely, get another round of "you're so young" reminders, as though perhaps I'd forgotten..

Halfway

2010-05-01T13:35:00.002-04:00

This week's chemo treatment marks the halfway point of my second round -- only 6 more treatments left! I'm hoping that these next 6 weeks are just about the fastest weeks of my life, because I am so ready to be DONE with chemo.

My hair has started to grow back in, except it is not my hair, but instead the hair of a baby chick that somehow ended up on my head. It is soft and blond and nearly too sparse and fluffy to be considered hair, but it is there and I'm hoping it means that I'll have some hair soon enough. I asked my doctor when soon enough would be, though, and she said September. I was kind of planning on July, but I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

While the hair on my head is growing in, my eyebrows and lashes continue to fall out. My doctor told me that this is actually most likely caused by my first round of treatment and that the hairs just respond more slowly because they grow on a different cycle than other hair.

I suspect that the nerve damage that I was so terrified of is also starting to set in. My fingertips, especially on my left hand, feel a bit funny, also ultra-sensitive, and sometimes go numb for a few hours.

My nails seem to be hanging in there okay and have not yet showed any signs of coming lose. They are, however, peeling like crazy. I've been keeping them painted flashy colors to try to keep them all in one piece.

According to my last blood test I'm becoming a little less anemic each week, so I'm hoping to try a little running again soon. I'm trying to keep my expectations for running very, very low, however, since anemic or not, my body is still coursing with toxic chemicals...

I'm also starting to dread the warm weather because my chemopause finally seems to be settling in and I've had a few wicked night sweats. I suddenly have a deep understanding for why people would never, ever wear fleece clothing, and cotton is quickly becoming the fabric of my life.

So, that's my halfway point update! Let's all cross our fingers that my fingertip nerves remain intact for the next half.

Small Pleasures

2010-04-27T17:21:00.001-04:00

I've been in an admittedly worse than usual mood for the past week or so, so I thought I would post a few good things in order to remind myself that there are, in fact, still good things in my life, and also to prove I'm not always a terribly grouch having a terrible time.

First, my little sister's new kitten. It is tiny and adorable.

Second, Amelia came to visit, and also placed the kitten in her pocket.

Just to reiterate, this kitten is so tiny and cute that it hopped up on my foot and sat there.

Finally, I actually convinced a group of mostly sane coworkers to play Kitten Wars.

So, mostly this post revolves around kittens, which I guess makes sense because kittens are awesome.

Handling Other People

2010-04-26T21:38:00.003-04:00

I've debated writing anything about this at all, because I don't want to come off as passive-aggressive or disrespectful of others, but ultimately decided that it's part of my cancer experience and merits sharing and discussing.

When I was at a friend's party this weekend, a former coworker who hadn't seen me in a few months approached me and pointed out that it appeared something was wrong (that is to say, I am now bald) and asked me what was going on. After hesitating for as long as possible, I explained that I was diagnosed with cancer in December. I assumed that my reluctance to discuss this any further or share any more information would have ended the conversation at that point, but I was instead pressed with questions about what type of cancer, what type of treatment, what is my prognosis.

I'm by no means private about my diagnosis (though prognosis is a different story). Obviously. This blog is entirely public. However, I also believe that there is a time and a place for cancer discussion. I don't think that a party is that place. Nor do I think that just because you can tell that I am bald that you should assume I want to share with you the reasons why I have no hair. It is unfortunately a side effect that I cannot hide very well, but in general I don't think that should be reason enough for you to chat up a near stranger about their medical history.

I guess what I'm ultimately saying is that I live with my cancer every day and I know I'm wearing it on my sleeve, but that doesn't mean I like thinking about it or talking about it at any given time. I still haven't really learned to navigate this in regards to other people, and unfortunately, I don't have any tangible way to signify that I'm not in a mood to discuss the big C.

Maybe people don't realize that while they're talking about my diagnosis or my disease, I'm talking about my life.

Local Celebrity

2010-04-26T16:47:00.005-04:00

A few weeks ago fellow Kalamazoo College grad, Washtenaw Voice writer, and new friend Quinn Davis interviewed me for an article she was working on.

The article was just published online and now that I'm going to be an Ann Arbor celebrity, I thought I'd go ahead and share it with you all:

Local 24-year-old battles cancer, pink through her blog, ‘Cancer Glancer’

And to anyone who arrived here from Quinn's article, hello!

Not fitting in at the cancer club

2010-04-21T22:58:00.002-04:00

source / CC BY 2.0

While I try not to spend too much time on the blog dwelling or complaining.. these past few days have been particularly rough. I know that bad days tend to come and go and that I shouldn't hang on to them too much, but today it feels like I just can't shake it off.

I've spent a lot of time crying the past few days, both for no reason, and for every reason that I could possibly have to cry. I never liked to be one to cry in public or in front of others, which is an adjustment I've sense had to make because I'm pretty much crying in front of everyone these days. And not just crying, but carrying on full conversations with tears running down my face.

I should explain one of the big reasons for my crying today. I went to a yoga class at the Wellness Community in town (they offer free support to people affected by cancer). I've been needing to amp up my activity level now that I don't feel like vomiting all the time, but I'm still a little scared of my regular gym (first, my white counts are iffy and there are a LOT of people there, second, I'm still not totally comfortable with the bald thing). This yoga class seemed like the perfect opportunity! I arrived and the instructor and three other participants seemed to be nice enough, but immediately started getting a little territorial about where I sat because someone else might be coming who "ususally sits there". Maybe it's just that I've always gone to bigger yoga classes, but you just sit where there is space at the time you arrive!

Additionally, all of these people were old enough to be my grandparents. And, hey, nothing wrong with people older than me, or grandparents (I love mine!) but as we were going through the class, all I could think about was how they made me feel like I didn't fit in my alienating me, and also how I made myself feel like I didn't fit in because I'm just too young! I don't belong in the cancer club yet. I should be out doing normal, reckless 20something activities like texting while driving and have that be the most life threatening condition in my life.

My young body was up and ready to go for some full out yoga (give me a tough flow or make me hold downward dog for 5 minutes, SOMETHING), but don't make me lay very still for 45 minutes and make me use chair for assistance with downward facing dog! It just makes it so much more apparent that I don't belong in the cancer community and that it definitely doesn't cater to young people such as myself.

Needless to say, I booked it right out of there without a word when it was finished and then drove home crying and thinking about how I'd really just like them to revoke my lifelong membership any time now!

More Thinking Before You Pink

2010-04-18T21:20:00.004-04:00

(source)

During those few moments of clarity each day in between the waves of chemo-brain, I've found myself dwelling on two breast cancer related issues that've been floating around recently.

First, the Susan G. Komen and KFC's new partnership/marketing ploy: Buckets for the Cure! This one, for me, takes the shameful pink-ifying of products to a whole new level. In general, I do not agree with slapping a pink ribbon on anything in order to sell it, but to partner with a fast food chain that just came out with the "double down" (aka the grossest 'sandwich' ever) and has carcinogens in their chicken is too much for me.

Also, if you read the fine print, "Customer purchases of KFC buckets during the promotion will not directly increase total contribution". So, all that advertising is really just getting you into KFC to buy KFC. You're not even actually directly contributing anything when you do it!

Second, and this one isn't as new, but perhaps more frustrating, is the whole line of thinking behind things like the Noreen Fraser Foundation's Men for Women Now campaign, "Save Some Boobs - It's a Matter of Life & Breast." Not only does it disembody women from their breasts, but this little play on words seems extremely blasé to me, as it is, actually, a matter of life and death and is not just about breasts at all. Not to mention that many women diagnosed with breast cancer do lose their breasts.

The campaign also seems very hetero-normative and suggests to me that the main reason that you'd want to detect breast cancer early is so that you can keep your breasts in tact so that men can enjoy them. Not for yourself, perhaps, or to prevent cancer from spreading throughout your body. And this isn't a problem with just this one campaign. There seem to be a whole handful of "Save the Tatas"-esque campaigns out there, so I don't mean to just call out the Noreen Fraser Foundation, but it was a fairly easy target...

Birthday Week Continued

2010-04-18T20:28:00.005-04:00

The rest of my birthday week (to be properly celebrated, birthdays must be spread out over a week-long period) consisted of a lot of food, specifically cupcakes, and lots of visitors!

My family came to town to take me out to dinner, and then after dinner we picked up a variety of cupcakes and brought them back to my apartment to eat.

On Thursday, Megan took me out for breakfast-for-dinner. Delicious.

Then we took a walk around my neighborhood and I made a new kitty friend! This was probably the friendliest cat I've ever met. I almost smuggled it home, but I'm afraid my cat would not have been very pleased with that.

Over the weekend, Stacy flew in from Boston and Steve came over and we watched "The Carter," a Lil Wayne documentary, and caught up on our sleep! On Saturday we collectively celebrated our birthdays (Happy Birthday, Steve!) at IHOP:

We also had birthday cupcakes from Stacy's mom, and Stacy and I watched Sixteen Candles in order to continue my Brat Pack education. Now I'm home alone again and mourning the loss of a quarter of my right eyebrow. Ugh. It was just gone when I woke up this morning!

C'mon Chemicals!

2010-04-13T21:28:00.010-04:00

I thought I would share the Of Montreal song that I've been listening to to pump myself up for this week's treatment. (Inspired by Sarah at The Tit Offensive, apparently this is truly a great pre-chemo song) The vid is both weird and kind of low quality, but the song itself is great.

I'm quite sure that chemo is not what Kevin Barnes had in mind when he wrote the song, but it's still bizarrely fitting: Chemicals don't flatten my mind, chemicals don't mess me up this time! C'mon Chemicals! They're truly a double-edged sword.

Off to gear up for Taxol #4 of 12 (1/3 done, wahoo!) and maybe rock out to a lot more Of Montreal -- who doesn't love psychedelic pop songs with dark, depressing lyrics! Perhaps it'll help with the itching. Wish me luck!

Cancer Birthday Celebration #1

2010-04-13T17:03:00.003-04:00

Try as I might, no one around me seemed especially willing to let me skip my birthday this year, so, much like it has every other year, April 12th appeared and I became another year older. I was hoping to skip it, or at least put it off a few months, in order to not tarnish such a spectacular event by letting it have anything to do with my cancer-y self, but everything seems to have turned out all right. Yesterday a few of my coworkers took me out for burritos and beer at a local brewery after work.

We had this lovely butterfly birthday cake (it took me two tries to blow out that one candle -- I'm not sure if that bodes well for me):

I drank a full mug of hard cider with my cake! We partook in the customs of our foreign colleagues. This includes (unpictured) making your birthday wish whilst cutting the cake, making sure not to remove the knife, and (pictured) placing your drink on your head and yelling something or other.

Obviously I was a little skeptical. And simultaneously chewing.

After getting home from celebration number one, I then went to meet some Kalamazoo College ladies for an undocumented martini. Perhaps it was just coincidence, but when I first woke up this morning, I felt pretty nauseous and had to go back to sleep for two more hours. Maybe that's why they suggest not mixing chemotherapy and alcohol? It was well worth it, though!

Birthday celebration is continuing tonight with the family, and then some more this weekend when Stacy and Steve arrive.

a spring weekend

2010-04-11T17:06:00.003-04:00

I'm feeling a lot more relaxed now that my steroids (and other unpleasant side effects) have worn off for the week, and also, spring seems to have fully sprung! The sad, bare trees outside my apartment all started blooming:

My view is much more cheerful and sunny now. Yesterday I had a walk around town with Cara, and all sorts of magnolia trees are blooming too. We also watched The Breakfast Club, which I can't believe I had never seen before. (Thanks, Christina, for making me take the Brat Pack collection -- I'll be watching the rest this week!)

Cara also brought me a cupcake, which always adds a little glee to my day.

For the rest of the afternoon I will be indulging in a little tea, reading, and hopefully notecard writing:

And then possibly a little cat nap as well (though not on my curtains).

'Roid Raging

2010-04-08T05:52:00.004-04:00

(source, some rights reserved)

It's now just before 6am, and I've been awake for about an hour, due to my crazy post-chemo-roid-rage. Or, more accurately, my post chemo steroid jitteriness. I was all on track to have my dose of steroids lowered from 20 mg to 10, which probably would have really helped with this problem, but my oncologist didn't want to lower the dose because of my after my second treatment I got super itchy, which suggests that I might be having an allergic reaction to the Taxol. So, now I'm awake at 6am, plus I'm still itchy.

The itching is currently limited to my face, though throughout the night it was all over most of my body. My oncologist told me at our appointment yesterday that we'll have to figure out what to do it the itching continues. It struck me as funny that 2-3 days of an itchy face are considered to be a show stopper of a side effect, but that constantly feeling like nauseous crap and being able to smell anything within a 5 mile radius was no big thing.

I'm now 25% done with my infusions -- only 9 left. So, if all goes as scheduled and I never have to skip a treatment due to low counts (fingers are super tripled cross for that), my last actual chemo will be on June 9th.

Time for me to rummage through my personal pharmacy for something to prevent me from scratching my face up and check what's open for breakfast at 7am!

In Other Cancer News

2010-04-02T23:43:00.003-04:00

This is not specifically related to me, but this past week a federal judge struck down Myriad Genetic's patents on two genes, BRCA1 and BRCA2, also known as the BReast CAncer genes.

Myriad is the only lab that can perform genetic testing on these genes, so no second opinion currently exists for this specific genetic test, and this is true for many other genetic tests as well (according to the New York Times, about 20% of human genes have been patented).

A better write up of the case, along with some interesting food for thought, is over at Boing Boing: ACLU Prevails: US Fed Judge invalidates gene patent

If anyone has any thoughts on this, I'd love to hear them -- I think this one is pretty interesting.

Chemo makes me grumpy

2010-04-02T16:48:00.003-04:00

While I was in the chemo waiting room of Wednesday, just waiting for my treatment, a woman about my age came and sat next to me and told me she was a volunteer with the American Cancer Society and that she was just around to talk. I don't know what suggested to her that I might want to talk, since I was head down, squirreling away on my iPhone, but she persisted anyway.

She told me that we didn't have to talk about cancer if I didn't want to, and she commented on what a great day it was outside. And indeed it was! Thank you for reminding me that instead of being outside on such a nice day, I am stuck with an IV in my arm, getting toxic chemicals piped into my body.

She also asked me where I went to school, which drives me nuts, cause I am quite sure that, one, when people ask this, they mean high school, and two, I have been out of college for two years and I like to think that I look like I'm at least in my 20s! (This is perhaps just a pet peeve, but it irks me every time).

She also had long, lovely, shiny hair. Which I do not.

I'm sure I came off as at least awkward, if not full out mean, when I told her that I was all set and didn't have anything to talk to her about. I think what I meant was, I am jealous of the fact that you're in your early 20s too, and while I have to be here in order to save my life, you could go outside and enjoy the nice day and not think anything of it! And when you leave here, you'll probably go about doing really normal 20-something activities and having normal 20-something thoughts, and I won't.

Within a minute or two of our conversation I think she realized that, really, I didn't have much to say, and possibly also that I might start crying if she stuck around longer. I know that in reality, I have no idea what her life is like, and I shouldn't presume that it's "normal" because she has nice hair. But, like I said, chemo makes me grumpy.

Round 2

2010-03-30T19:09:00.002-04:00

Now that I'm fully a week into my first Taxol treatment I feel as though I'm actually *in*round 2. While, unfortunately, I'm sure it'll get worse before it'll get better, I feel secure enough saying that round 2 is a little bit easier than round 1. (Hopefully I won't have to eat those words later)

So far, I haven't really felt sick (besides tiny bouts of queasiness here and there), and the worst thing that's happened so far is about 24 hours after treatment I started to feel like I had been beaten up. My chest/shoulders/upper back got pretty sore, but nothing a bit of Advil couldn't control. Plus, after typing that out, I remembered to book a massage for Friday.

One thing that isn't getting any better as treatment progresses, though, is my memory. A few days ago I found a t-shirt in my closet that still has tags on it, but I truly have no recollection of buying it. I know when I must have bought it, but I honestly don't even remember trying the thing on. From this same shopping trip also came another shirt which I do remember buying, however, I forgot the shirt at the tailor, and surely would have left it there indefinitely, until I saw the same shirt again at the store and finally my memory was triggered. (Moral of the story here is probably that I should stop clothes shopping while undergoing chemo) I've taken to writing out to-do lists every day and trying to make notes when I remember something, or else I'm bound to forget it within 20 minutes.

While I'm celebrating being 8% done with round 2 tonight I think I'm going to kick it with half a beer, some Margaret Atwood, and then some LOST.

Also in a middle place

2010-03-29T16:29:00.002-04:00

While I was at my parents house over the weekend (again), I saw that my mom was reading Kelly Corrigan's The Middle Place. I haven't read it yet, and don't plan to any time soon (I've got enough cancer going on in real life), but the blurb on the back talked a bit about navigating the space between child and adult, which I feel like I'm doing a lot of right now.

While being diagnosed with cancer has forced me to make a lot of "adult" decisions, I also feel like reverting into a full-out child a lot. I've recently discovered that I like to spend my free time at my parent's, where all of my meals are prepared for me, my whims are (mostly) catered to, and I don't really have to make any decisions about what I'm going to do for the day.

I've never been more glad that I didn't move out of Michigan than I am right now. My parents have gone with my to every doctor's appointment, test, and treatment that I've had, and I know that if needed, someone could be at my apartment within an hour of a phone call.

At the same time, having cancer has made me wonder if I'll now be too worried to ever move away. I know I should be worrying about treating the first cancer before I worry about it recurring, but I now spend a lot of time also wondering about how I'm going to plan for my new, post-cancer life.

I've always been a planner - I already know where I'll be hanging out for Easter - but cancer seems to be changing the rules on how to plan.

Terrible Trazodone and Taxol #1

2010-03-24T21:36:00.003-04:00

In attempts to combat my sleeping problems, my doctor wrote me a prescription for Trazodone, which is an SSRI antidepressant that is also used for insomnia.

I should have been a little leery of taking the pill when it looked like this:

Cause, seriously, aren't pills supposed to be easy to swallow? Shaping it like a pyramid doesn't really make it easy for the pill-swallowing challenged such as myself. But at least I'd finally get some sleep, I figured, so down it went.

Laying in bed 15 minutes after taking my pill, I started feeling really dizzy, and then my nose immediately clamped shut, forcing me to breathe solely through my mouth. Soon after, my chest started getting tight and hot, and I continued to be awake and feel like I was drunk and having a panic attack until 6 in the morning. I considered calling the on-call doctor to make sure I wasn't dying and didn't need to go to the emergency room, but after having dinner with a certain on call doctor who got called in, I felt really guilty about intruding on their sleep so I figured I'd better not. Plus, I checked my pulse and it seemed okay.

When I woke up the tight chest thing was gone and I could breathe through my nose again, but I felt super nauseous and tired all day. On the day before chemo, too, when I should be feeling to best! Needless to say, I will never, ever be taking that pill again. I decided not sleeping is way better than not sleeping plus feeling like you might die.

Today I also had my first Taxol + Herceptin treatment. I decided to stick with my 12 week treatment plan because I was reminded by some lovely women from the Young Survivors Coalition that while getting treatment over sooner sounds nice now, the fact that 12 weekly treatments has been shown to have a lower recurrence rate should play more strongly into my decision, as should the lesser side effects. I think that I knew this all along, but needed a little bit of a reminder to re-commit to it.

The first thing they did when I got into my treatment room (a private room, with a bed!) was give me a huge whopping dose of Benadryl, so within 20 minutes I was pretty much asleep, unless someone needed to ask me questions. I had no reaction to the Taxol, so they get to drip it in faster next time. So far, I've also had no nausea, I'm just really friggin' tired.

Next on my cancer to-do list is wait and see how my eyebrows and eyelashes fair. I haven't lost them yet, but there's a good chance that they start to go soon. I fear I will look like a total alien without eyebrows, but at least it will be temporary.

Next Stage and a New Season

2010-03-20T18:16:00.003-04:00

I'm just now rounding out the tail end of my final AC treatment (while sipping on half a beer and sitting in bed at my parent's house waiting to be served chicken fettuccine in a cream sauce). I have three more days of this "cycle", and then I move on to the next step of my treatment, a new chemotherapy drug (Taxol), and a targeted therapy drug (Herceptin).

I admit that it feels nice to be clearing such a significant hurdle. It was even nicer that it came right as the weather in Michigan turned (briefly) nice and I got a chance to get outside and I even made it into the office four days in a row (a chemo first!). At the same time, I'm also wavering on my Taxol treatment plan, and have been having more trouble than usual falling asleep at night. (Current list of things that individually do not put me to sleep: a hot bath, Ativan, a [doctor approved] double dose of Ambien, yoga, and counting backwards)

One of Taxol's side effects is neuropathy, which really worried me at first, and swayed me to choose to receive my Taxol is 12 small, weekly doses. However, having been doing the chemo thing for 2 months now, I'm somewhat less concerned with the neuropathy, and more concerned with being DONE, which makes dose dense (a larger dose every other week for 8 weeks) seem much more appealing. I need to call my doctor up on Monday and make an appointment to speak with her about it, but now you know what's been weighing on my mind recently.

The other thing that's been weighing me down is anemia. The chemo has finally killed enough of my red cells that I'm anemic, and my attempts at running the past few weeks have been rough and discouraging. While I was in Florida I did manage to run a single mile straight before needing to walk, however, this past week, the furthest distance I got before I couldn't breath was a little over a quarter mile. It's funny to think that as recently as January I could go out and run 4 miles with little trouble... in the snow.

Until I get some red cells back I suppose I'll be sticking with walking and spend all of that other time getting through the 40 book recommendations I now have. Or napping.

Life's a Beach

2010-03-09T22:21:00.008-05:00

Though you might not know this if you're not my facebook friend (oops), my white cells did a miraculous multiplying act and my counts literally doubled over night (thanks, Neulasta!) and my doctor did okay me to fly down to Florida for the weekend.

So, in a brief recap, I got to go from cold, snowy Michigan to this:

I still did a good amount of lounging around (including some Judge Judy with my grandparents), as I'm not especially used to being on the go all day, but I fit in a trip to a circus museum with my parents:

As well as a tour of John Ringling's sick, sick mansion. My picture here doesn't do it justice but it was ridiculous.

The house also had my dream patio, which I am sure I will re-create one I have coastal property somewhere.

I made some new bird friends.

And I did actually make it to the beach for a few hours and hung out with my sister and her friend Kluck, who are a lot better at sitting still in the sun than I am. Being photosensitive and also bald, I really went whole hog on the sun protection.

It was super nice to sit and read and be warm and hear real waves. I even finished Murakami's What I Talk About When I Talk About Running. Plus there was a real character about 60 feet down the beach from me putting on some kind of show, so I could take breaks from my book to watch his charades if I wanted.

And now I'm back in slightly warmer Michigan with a very happy cat, a sore throat, and a little bit of a pit in my stomach from knowing that my vacation is most definitely over for a while.

Bad Blood

2010-03-04T15:35:00.002-05:00

I went to get my blood tested this morning so that I could get okayed to fly, and it seems that my white cells just couldn't be bothered to make enough of themselves this round, so my doctor has told me not to go. She also said I can go back in tomorrow and have my labs re-done to see if they've gone up over night, but at this point it isn't looking good.

I'm trying to be optimistic and hope and hope and hope that I somehow get lots more white cells tonight (I even googled to figure out if any certain activity or food would help stimulate them, though it appears there isn't) but I'm also trying not to get my hopes back up because I'm pretty bummed already. I was really looking forward to getting out of my apartment.

So, I guess it's fingers crossed tonight and a few gags tomorrow while I get my blood drawn. Today it was the thought of the drive over and then the alcohol wipe that set me off. Yuck.

Anticipating

2010-03-03T19:07:00.002-05:00

Despite my failure to announce it, my third round of treatment did go down without any major hitches. I've mostly been avoiding my blog because I've developed anticipatory nausea, and even the thought of chemo makes me gaggy. According to one of my nurses, loading up on Ativan should help, but I might need to also research other ways to get over it, because I can't even think about the hospital or IVs or saline without wanting to throw up.

On a more fun and positive note, I'm flying down to Florida on Friday with my mom to visit my grandparents for a few days! I'm looking forward to the warm weather, and am crossing my fingers that I can get in a run or two, especially since a doctor lectured me this week about how I will gain 20 pounds if I don't exercise. I've been trying to get a few walks in per week, but I've definitely otherwise let all fitness concerns slip and I barely get off my couch except to move to my bed. I don't think I've even driven my car in three weeks.

Thank goodness I have a cat to keep me company all day. I think she's getting annoyed at her lack of alone time, though.

M.I.A

2010-02-17T21:25:00.003-05:00

Hi Internet,

Sorry for going M.I.A for so long. I've been spending much of my time feeling sick or sorry for myself or both! However, I'm back now with a quick update. My camera has gone missing, though, so all of the pictures I have taken since last week are gone for now (any ideas Stace? It was last seen during the mohawk picture)

So, as I already noted, my hair started coming out on Wednesday and was in full out crazy shedding all over the place mode by Saturday so Stacy took some clippers to my head and we got rid of it. It looks pretty scrappy right now (half totally bald, half buzzed) so actual shaved head pictures will have to wait, but here's an idea of what I look like with a scarf on my head.

Unfortunately, the sick and the tired have hit me harder this time than last and I feel like I spend most of my days trying to keep my mind off of things that make me want to throw up (which is pretty much anything, including almost all food and drink, so eating and hydrating have become a problem). I also have a throat-tickle-and-gag-reflex-cough that I've developed, so any time my throat itches or I think I'm going to throw up I start coughing. It helps, but I bet it's really annoying for those who have to be around me.

My memory is also pretty much non-existent, and I owe a lot of you emails but I've probably forgotten whether I've replied. I promise I'll organize myself soon enough, though, so just keep waiting a little while longer!

Chemo #2

2010-02-10T20:24:00.004-05:00

This afternoon was my second round of my first chemo cocktail, and it went just about the same as the first treatment. First I got my CBC (complete blood count) done, and then went to meet with my oncologist. I came prepared with a whole list of things I needed to discuss, including the predicted benefit of all of my different treatments. Specifically, I was interested in the benefit of doing the second round of chemo, Taxol, which she computed to me as a 7% reduction in recurrence risk. And I'm okay with 7%. She helped affirm my feelings that I really should try my best to get through all of my scheduled treatments.

So, off I headed to the infusion room, where I got really lucky and got my own little curtained off corner again. It took the nurses a long time to get pharmacy order for the drugs, so once I settled into my chemo chair I partook in a little iPhone-ing.

As you'll notice, I still have all of my hair. It finally started coming out this morning, but only a few pieces per tug, and it isn't really falling a lot on its own. My doctor assured me that it'd be "gone by Sunday" and should actually be coming out pretty steadily by tomorrow morning.

Finally we got my pre-meds, some steroids and some anti-nausea medication, and got my IV running.

I was finally done with all my drugs around 5:15. The whole process started at 12:30, so it's a long afternoon. Afterwards I went out to grab dinner with my mom, and we also picked up some mini-cupcakes since I still have an appetite tonight and I know it'll be non-existent tomorrow.

Right now I'm feeling pretty wiped out (as in, I can barely keep my eyes open) so I'm going to head off for my post-chemo 12 hours of sleep.

BBQ and not bald yet

2010-02-07T19:26:00.004-05:00

Today marks day 12 of my first treatment and thus far I haven't lost a single hair. I was totally prepared for it to all be gone by this weekend, however, I'm glad it survived thus far because I didn't want excessive shedding to ruin my day trip to Detroit with Megan to see our super famous friend Beau.

We ate at Slows BarBQ, which is delicious, and I'm glad that the trip happened to fall on a day where I both had an appetite and could handle the smell of cooking meat!

As for an update on side effects, most of the fatigue has passed and I'm now experiencing ridiculous insomnia. I can't figure out how much of it is mental and how much of it is related to all the drugs, but so far I've now been able to stay awake through Ambien, Ativan, and Xanax (NOT mixed!) At least last night I used some of this extra spare time to read a book, but in general I've spent it flopping around in bed. At least I know it's not permanent, because the chemo on Wednesday is sure to knock me out again for a few days!

Tomorrow I'm going to look at wigs so you'll all have to check back and see what my new hairstyle will be.

"Cancer Industrial Complex"

2010-02-06T11:04:00.008-05:00

I just finished reading an article by Barbara Ehrenreich about her thoughts and experience with breast cancer and it includes quite a few topics that I've been meaning to cover once my foggy head cleared. Now that I know someone's already written it, and much more eloquently than I would have, I'll just recommend that you read it if you have 20 minutes to spare. I'll also excerpt:

The Commercialization of Cancer:

"More so than in the case of any other disease, breast-cancer organizations and events feed on a generous flow of corporate support. Nancy Brinker relates how her early attempts to attract corporate interest in promoting breast cancer "awareness" were met with rebuff. A bra manufacturer, importuned to affix a mammogram-reminder tag to his product, more or less wrinkled his nose. Now breast cancer has blossomed from wallflower to the most popular girl at the corporate charity prom. While AIDS goes begging and low-rent diseases like tuberculosis have no friends at all, breast cancer has been able to count on Revlon, Avon, Ford, Tiffany, Pier 1, Estee Lauder, Ralph Lauren, Lee Jeans, Saks Fifth Avenue, JC Penney, Boston Market, Wilson athletic gear -- and I apologize to those I've omitted."

"The ultrafeminine theme of the breast-cancer "marketplace" -- the prominence, for example, of cosmetics and jewelry -- could be understood as a response to the treatments' disastrous effects on one's looks. But the infantilizing trope is a little harder to account for, and teddy bears are not its only manifestation...Possibly the idea is that regression to a state of childlike dependency puts one in the best frame of mind with which to endure the prolonged and toxic treatments. Or it may be that, in some versions of the prevailing gender ideology, femininity is by its nature incompatible with full adulthood -- a state of arrested development. Certainly men diagnosed with prostate cancer do not receive gifts of Matchbox cars."

"It is the very blandness of breast cancer, at least in mainstream perceptions, that makes it an attractive object of corporate charity and a way for companies to brand themselves friends of the middle-aged female market. With breast cancer, "there was no concern that you might actually turn off your audience because of the life style or sexual connotations that AIDS has," Amy Langer, director of the National Alliance of Breast Cancer Organizations, told the New York Times in 1996.

Fundraising Events:

"the Avon Breast Cancer Crusade, which sponsors three-day, sixty-mile walks, spends more than a third of the money raised on overhead and advertising, and Komen may similarly fritter away up to 25 percent of its gross. At least one corporate-charity insider agrees. "It would be much easier and more productive," says Rob Wilson, an organizer of charitable races for corporate clients, "if people, instead of running or riding, would write out a check to the charity."

Cause and Prevention:

"Worse, by ignoring or underemphasizing the vexing issue of environmental causes, the breast cancer cult turns women into dupes of what could be called the Cancer Industrial Complex: the multinational corporate enterprise that with the one hand doles out carcinogens and disease and, with the other, offers expensive, semi-toxic pharmaceutical treatments. Breast Cancer Awareness Month, for example, is sponsored by AstraZeneca (the manufacturer of tamoxifen), which, until a corporate reorganization in 2000, was a leading producer of pesticides, including acetochlor, classified by the EPA as a "probable human carcinogen."

"Bad" genes of the inherited variety are thought to account for fewer than 10 percent of breast cancers, and only 30 percent of women diagnosed with breast cancer have any known risk factor (such as delaying childbearing or the late onset of menopause) at all. Bad lifestyle choices like a fatty diet have, after brief popularity with the medical profession, been largely ruled out. Hence suspicion should focus on environmental carcinogens, the feminists argue, such as plastics, pesticides (DDT and PCBs, for example, though banned in this country, are still used in many Third World sources of the produce we eat), and the industrial runoff in our ground water."

Link to the full article: http://www.barbaraehrenreich.com/cancerland.htm

I'll warn you that Barbara is angry -- more angry than I feel, but she's also completely justified in her anger, and I truly appreciate that she is willing to talk about cancer from an intellectual standpoint and in a not-so-cheerful light. I really do encourage everyone to read it if you have the time, since I probably won't get around to write my own antipink manifesto for ages now.

Also, if you're really feeling into it, check out the The Before You Pink website at http://thinkbeforeyoupink.org and read their Critical Questions.

Week 1

2010-02-02T18:37:00.002-05:00

I'm counting tonight as the successful end of my first week of chemo. Also I realize that I have approximately 3 to 6 days left with my hair intact, so I should get that countdown going as well. (Not that it is looking so hot anyway, since I can barely be bothered to blowdry it, and my morning nap gets it all mussed up after that).

The impending side effects seem like the most odd to me -- even if I quit right now and said I wouldn't do any more chemotherapy treatments, my hair would still fall out in a few days. I like to think that once I stop feeling the chemo in my body that it's gone, which just isn't the case.

My appetite has returned with a vengeance and my calorie-counting self hurts. I can practically feel myself gaining weight, but still don't exactly feel up for an evening run, so I'm going to have to just deal with my muscle atrophy and plumping up gracefully.

I had the stitches removed from my port yesterday -- everything looks fine and I only fell asleep once while waiting for my doctor to come in. My surgeon also told me I *have* to go to a genetic counselor sooner rather than later, so as soon as my oncologist's secretary will call me back, I'll be making that appointment (granted that she may continue to never call me back).

Tonight, LOST is on and then I'm going to be shooting for a good 12 hours of sleep before I attempt a (triumphant!) return to work tomorrow.

5 Days In..

2010-01-31T15:09:00.002-05:00

I'm now five days into my first chemo treatment, and my biggest observations are:

Smells make me feel super gaggy. This includes the 500 pork chops and steaks that my downstairs neighbors seem to cook every day.

Images of food are not much better. Especially Olive Garden and Hamburger Helper commercials. Ugh.

Emend is magical because I have not thrown up once.

My eyesight is shot? This one I wasn't prepared for, but my vision is really blurry.

TIRED. I sleep 12 hours a night and then take naps during the day.

Those are the big things. In the grand scheme I would say they're not really so bad, however, I'm not thrilled by how exhausted I feel today know that it'll only get worse. And I need to go find my glasses if this vision thing is going to be permanent.

Now I need to go keep hydrating.

Chemo #1 Done!

2010-01-27T21:35:00.005-05:00

Today I officially started the second leg of my treatment -- Adriamycin + Cytoxan chemotherapy! I was in the hospital all morning learning about a clinical trial, getting my blood tests, and then meeting with my doctor to go over my blood counts (obviously mine at this point) and my MUGA scan (my ejection fraction is 70%, which is at the high end of normal, normal being from 50% - 70%). Then, I headed into the chemo room and got hooked up.

First the gave me some pre-chemo drugs (steroids, anti-nausea, and I had already taken an Emend pill to combat the nausea as well) then they started the actual chemo. The Adriamycin is pretty creepy because it is Kool-Aid red, and took about 20 minutes to push into my IV. I also had to chew ice all throughout the treatment -- COLD! After another 20 minutes of keeping my mouth cold, the Cytoxan drip started. It also took about an hour.

Almost there:

And then finally got to head home! One down and three left (OMG my fingers are as long as foam fingers)!

I was feeling almost no symptoms afterwards. I headed out to Panera for lunch and Target for shopping with my mom, and about halfway into the shopping trip I started feeling pretty run down and just kind of weird. I went home and hopped in bed, and I'm doing fine now. I feel kind of pre-nauseous, but I think it's mostly mental because I'm so worried about the nausea. For now I'm chugging water and I popped an Ativan for good measure.

I want to be optimistic, but I know the meds they gave me will be in my system for 3 or 4 days and the real challenge will be how I feel after that, or how I feel after my 4th round! I'm relieved to know what a treatment is like, though, and I'm jazzed to not be feeling too sick.

My First Chemo Eve

2010-01-26T22:34:00.003-05:00

My day tomorrow is chock full of appointments and, you know, chemo treatment, so I thought I would do a pre-update in case I don't get around to posting anything tomorrow. If it's after my chemo, I'm probably still fine.

I am meeting with a research nurse at 8:45 tomorrow to discuss a clinical trial (ALTTO) that I will most likely not be doing. Then at 9:15 I have to get some pre-chemo blood work. At 9:45 I meet with my Oncologist, and then my actual treatment will start around 10:30.

While the unknown is the most scary part, I've been trying to calm my nerves a bit. I emailed my favorite breast cancer blogger ( Ann of butdoctorihatepink.blogspot.com ) and she also helped me chill out a little bit. Breast cancer survivors are across the board the nicest people!

Tonight I've still got to charge up all my electronics, pick out snacks, and pack up a book, a blanket, and everything else I might want. And perhaps get my apartment all ready for me to come back and flop into bed.

Pre-Chemo Weekend

2010-01-24T12:07:00.008-05:00

My last weekend pre-being filled up with toxic drugs started out with me in my pajamas watching DVRed TV from the past week, but then Christina called me around 9:30 and invited me to come play Mario in the Wii, and I've learned to never turn down Mario anything, so I put my clothes back on and headed over.

Along with playing the Wii, she also offered me a Canadian "gummy" lollipop which was made out of concrete and has probably loosened at least two of my teeth. But it was free of high fructose corn syrup, so I couldn't turn it down.

Saturday went completely undocumented but was spent shopping and seeing Leap Year with Cara. Now that I'm prone to crying and feeling sorry for myself, I've shunned any depressing or dramatic movies in favor of romantic comedies and lighthearted fluff. Therefore, I found Leap Year to be perfectly acceptable.

I came home with lots of new sweaters (since I'm going to be cold even more often with no body hair!) as well as some really ridiculous things to make me smile. Like this cupcake shaped mini cookie jar.

I also received this little magical unicorn in the mail, which is now making friends with my other unicorn. I'm sure my treatment is going to go well this week, since unicorns bring lots of good luck!

This morning I woke up with a super sore arm and realized that i probably overdid it yesterday, and I had to pop another Vicodin, but I'm hoping that it clears up quickly. I'll probably spend the rest of the day searching for last minute chemo tips, and then I hope to get my ass to the gym (stationary bike only, since running and lifting are currently verboten).

Surgery #2

2010-01-21T21:08:00.004-05:00

Yesterday evening I had my chemo port placed (or as I prefer, installed), so I'm now fully equipped for being pumped with drugs.

The surgery went well -- I think it was quite a bit longer than expected and I remember being conscious of my surgeon talking at one point, but I couldn't see or feel anything. I woke up feeling fine besides my arm being a tiny bit sore. Since I hadn't been allowed to eat since dinner the night before, and I wasn't out of the hospital til 8pm, I was absolutely starving. After debating all of my many dinner options, I opted for Qdoba because I didn't think I'd be able to order food and then wait for it to be brought out. And also because I really wanted guacamole.

The area is still sore but it's handled well by the Vicodin. Actually having something foreign under my skin is a creepy sensation. My port and massive bruising today:

This morning I also met my medical oncologist for the first time. Her name is Katie, too. I love her, and I feel pretty lucky to have such fantastic doctors. She asked me when I wanted to start chemo, and obviously my answer was "never" so I instead asked her to pick, and she picked Wednesday of next week. Even though I knew what my treatment would be and I knew that it was coming, putting a date on it made it real and the waterworks started. And then continued pretty much all day at work (Sorry, coworkers). Part of it, I think, is pure exhaustion. I've had very little sleep over the past three nights and I think my brain was shutting down on me.

Tonight I will be watching last week's Project Runway and maybe drinking some tea. And think of ways to spend my last chemo-free weekend. Suggestions welcome :]

Business as Usual

2010-01-18T21:25:00.008-05:00

My Sunday started out much like most Sundays with Stacy and Steve: First Steve wakes everyone up at the crack of dawn (9am) and then we all haul off to IHOP early, in order to beat the church crowd.

While Stacy and I opted for short stacks, Steve took on the all-you-can-eat special and downed a personal best of 13 pancakes. I failed to document each stack of pancakes, but I did capture the final bite. I've personally never seen anyone eat so many pancakes in one sitting...

After breakfast Stacy and I indulged in an afternoon nap, and then got to preparing the home cooked dinner that her mom sent over. While we waited for the food to cook and for Nick to show up, I beat both of them in Scrabble.

Today I finally got myself back to the gym, which was absolutely packed with resolutionaries. I'm already looking forward to mid-February when they drop the resolutions and I don't have to wait in line for 20 minutes for a treadmill. Or for when I can run outside without being worried about dizziness!

This week I've got a battery of appointments, including a second surgery on Wednesday to get a port put in. I'll also finally be meeting my oncologist and I'll know by the end of the week when I'll be starting chemo. A total double-edged sword because I am terrified of starting, but also sick of the waiting.

Happy Martin Luther King Jr. Day!

Hair Today...

2010-01-17T16:57:00.007-05:00

Yesterday, in preparation for my upcoming chemo (the doctors have guaranteed me that my hair will fall out because part of my treatment is Adriamycin), I parted ways with the majority of my hair. Stacy flew in from Boston to be my moral support and also photographer for the transformation. First, with my fabulous hairstylist:

And then:

And finally:

I was a bit worried that I'd panic or lose it at the salon, but the haircut didn't freak me out that much. Plus, Stacy promised me she liked it, and not just because she had to say that because I have cancer. I also picked up a new scarf AND a new hat, to be debuted at a later date.

Later, Steve met up with us and we watched about two hours of music videos online, including every Lady Gaga video ever made.

Then finally made it out to Cafe Felix for a few drinks (most likely some of my last)

Eventually we went home to get a good night's sleep for our traditional IHOP breakfast.

Yay!

2010-01-14T20:37:00.003-05:00

The other day my (marathoner) friend Erin left this clipping from Runner's World on my desk, as I had been bemoaning the fact that I would have to quit running for months while going through chemo.

While I'm no marathoner, I still would like to be able to keep up my running during chemo as best I can, so this little clip gave me a big boost. On Erin's suggestion, I also facebooked Karen. I sent her a short message about how seeing this piece was really inspiring, and she wrote me right back saying that I too can keep running through cancer, among other very nice things. So, armed with my tightest sports bra, my second tightest sports bra, and my brand new running shoes, I headed off to the gym:

I was a little terrified to start running because the bouncing from just going up and down stairs kind of hurts and I'm not even allowed to take Advil until after my port surgery next week, but I got going and it wasn't that bad! My goal was to get in a mile, and once I hit a mile, Lady Gaga's "Bad Romance" was piping into my headphones, so I kept going with it for another .65 miles. With a ridiculous grin on my face. All in all, I moved my body about 2.5 miles, which wayyy trumps my previous post-surgery PDR of 3 blocks. Not impressive, but not shabby for being only 15 days out from surgery + major stomach flu, either!

I hit up the weight room for a few minutes but was pretty wobbly. Once I realized I couldn't for the life of me get into a lunge without nearly falling over, I decided to call it a night and headed back home.

Reviewing the blog, I realize that I forgot to post the final pathology on my surgery, but everything went as expected and my surgeon did get good clear margins around the tumor and the re-test of my lymph nodes still showed no cancer cells. All good news today!

Bad Night, Better Morning

2010-01-13T21:08:00.006-05:00

First, an update on the incision lump: I spoke with a nurse at my surgeon's office and she said it was most likely a hematoma under my incision. I'm to apply heat and it should go away in a few weeks. Now that I've google image searched hematomas, I'm a little skeptical, since mine isn't disgustingly bruised or bulgy, but I suppose that's a good thing rather than a bad one. Whatever it is, I've been sitting on the couch with the right half of my chest covered in heating pads.

I spent the entirety of my Tuesday evening reading cancer blogs and research and chemo side effects and basically depressed the hell out of myself, which led to me only sleeping about 3hours last night. Even despite a bedtime Ambien! Though I was feeling run down and crappy this morning, it was nice and sunny in my apartment and I got to utilize my fully decked out work-from-home nook for the first time:

A couple hours and a couple mugs of tea later, I made it into the office and continued the rest of my day there! I came home to find this lovely notebook in my mailbox (THANK YOU, Heidi! I love it!):

And now I've eaten, watched an episode of House, and completely avoided reading anything at all about cancer (though I did talk my dad's ear off about everything dreadful that's associated with chemo). I'm having my hair chopped this weekend, so I thought I'd go ahead and document the hairstyle progress. Me, today, with a full head of (overgrown) hair:

Just a few days left with it at my usual length, and then I'm going pixie. I've pretty much wanted one since Cara cut off her hair and went to France (circa 2006):

So, now I'll finally have one. For a few weeks, at least. And then a few more when it finally grows back in.

My last non-medical week

2010-01-11T21:44:00.001-05:00

I realized yesterday that this week will most likely be my only medical community free week for the next year (what up, 52 weekly treatments of Herceptin) so I'm trying to get back into a normal swing of things for a little while. I even got myself off the couch (after a preparatory nap) and to the gym to bike for a while. I tried my hand at the treadmill (walking..) but quickly found that my equilibrium is still too whacked to stay stable. If only I could get stable, I might be able to get a few runs in before chemo starts knocking me over. I have unused Yaktrax that need to get worn in this winter!

In spite of worrying about tarnishing my "free" week, I think I might need to give my surgeon a call tomorrow because my right armpit has some hard, tender spots by my incision (lymph nodes?) that are freaking me out. It's probably totally normal but I don't particularly like not knowing why they're there.

I'm mostly trying to keep my mind off my quickly approaching, but yet unscheduled, first chemo treatment. This is mostly unsuccessful as I spent a good deal of time yesterday morning reading studies and clinical trials about the various drugs they will be pumping into me. I do have a game night in my future, though, and just spent the past two hours being begrudgingly amused by Michael Cera with my lovely friend Megan, so at least I have friends willing to cart me around and keep me busy.

Cancer Everywhere!

2010-01-07T21:54:00.002-05:00

Cancer seems to be, quite literally, everywhere I try to direct my attention to get away from thinking about having (or should I say, having had) cancer.

I stopped listening to most news stories on NPR because there seemed to be a whole lot about breast cancer with the new screening guidelines, but I figured The Splendid Table (a radio show about food! and cooking!) would be safe. But of course, James Beard award winner Grant Achatz happened to be on the show. He had tongue cancer.

One of the helpers of Chef Academy? His mother died of breast cancer.

This one is my own fault, because I already knew Kitty on Brothers and Sisters had cancer, but I watched it anyway, only to see her go into the hospital.

I made sure my Netflix queue was full of Ugly Betty (it's lighthearted! it's about fashion! it's funny!). Soon after my surgery I'm chilling in bed watching an episode -- imagine my surprise when Daniel's charming young ladyfriend has cancer. And she's dying! In a matter of weeks!

Not to mention (or, wait, I'm mentioning it) all this nonsense on Facebook equating posting your bra color to breast cancer awareness. Trust me, I'm very aware of it, and knowing your bra color isn't enlightening anyone.

Things I would prefer to be on the radio, television, and/or the internet: Ira Glass at a time when I'm actually in the car, a new season of Veronica Mars, and kittens. (or emails from my long lost friends about how your life is going -- katie(dot)e(dot)harlow(at)gmail(dot)com.)

Recovering

2010-01-05T19:36:00.002-05:00

I've spent the last few days not only recovering from my surgery, but also from a rough case of gastroenteritis (aka, a "stomach bug"). My body really does kick me when I'm down.

About a day after my surgery I performed the daunting task of un-bandaging and showering. As soon as I started to remove the bandages a whole lot of gauze started falling out, at which point I panicked ("oh god, the silhouette of a breast I thought I still had was actually just a lump of gauze!"), but I continued on with the unwrapping and to my relief, I still have a very normal looking breast that's only slightly less perky than it was pre-op. (Sorry, Mom, if that crossed into "too graphic!")

I was on the up and up by Friday night, and my only real problem was doing much of anything with my right arm, as the lymph node incision is right up near my armpit and my range of motion is limited and my arm is all around kind of stiff. So, it just figures that but Saturday afternoon I would be absolutely vomiting my insides out, which was a total waste of Cara's visit. My brain goes a little fuzzy at this point, but I'd say we spent a good hour with my head glued to the toilet and with Cara calling people for me and being very, very nice to me. At some point I flung myself from the bathroom to my bed, where I stayed for the next 36 hours.

After not getting much better and dipping into delusions a few times whilst trying to fall asleep, my dad eventually took me to the ER on the recommendation of my surgeon. They got me right in and hooked up to an IV line and gave me a big bag of saline and some anti-nausea meds while they did some blood work. The ER doc briefly threw around some questions about brain MRIs when I told him I had cancer + hallucinatory dreams, but he seemed to move off it just as quickly. (I'm keeping track of names so I can send out cards about bedside manner classes when this is all over)

All of my blood work came back fine, the doctor confirmed that I just had a stomach virus, and I was let go with some more anti-nausea meds. I've been home for two days now getting my sea legs back, and I'm looking very much forward to getting back to work and doing something with my days again.

Successfully Surgered

2009-12-31T13:28:00.004-05:00

Yesterday was my lumpectomy and sentinel node biopsy, both of which went well! My parents picked me up from my apartment and we all drove over to the hospital. Here's mom and me on the way out the door.

They got me into a hospital gown and hooked me up to a saline drip soon after checking in (I only got about 10 words into a Monday crossword!), but then they left me for a good hour and a half before getting me into the operating room.

I eventually got a bit bored and had to whip out the iPhone. Soon after, they sedated me up and rolled me into the operating room. I was totally out of it within 45 seconds and I don't even remember being warned about the anesthesia. I woke up about 2 hours later in the recovery room, and immediately tried to figure out if my armpit was sore. Sore armpit would mean that all my lymph nodes had been removed. It didn't feel sore, but I couldn't keep my eyes opened long enough to spot a nurse and ask. After a good 5 to 10 minutes of trying to open my eyes, a nurse came to check on me and I was able to squeak out "Do you know about my lymph nodes?" She didn't, but she went to find the nurse that did. They took out two sentinel lymph nodes and they were both clean, so I got to keep the rest of them!

They sent my parents back soon after, and then I started begging for pain meds. The nurse gave me three doses of something in my IV, but it seemed to only make me really nauseous and didn't help the pain at all. After drinking some apple juice the nurse let me have a Vicodin, which actually helped.

We made it back to my apartment after an especially bumpy car ride, and I spent the remainder of the evening dozing, trying to eat, and then promptly throwing up. This lasted til about 1 AM, and then I started getting some sleep. I've got some visitors in my near future, and then I need to un-bandage and shower, which I suspect will be painful but hopefully not too terrifying.

Cancer for Christmas

2009-12-29T23:07:00.005-05:00

Awesome luck that I have, I got the ultimate Christmas present this year: breast cancer! However, I also got a faux-Snuggie shortly after, so you truly do win some, too.

The whole ultrasound + mammogram + biopsy --> diagnosis took place over two days, December 10th and 11th, and I'm heading to surgery tomorrow morning to remove the tumor and maybe some lymph nodes, so the past few weeks have all mashed together and feel as though they've gone by pretty quickly.

The rest of my treatment plan is going to look something like:

About 4 months of chemotherapy (February - May)
Six weeks of radiation (June - July)
Maybe some Herceptin thrown in for an undefined amount of time
5 years of Tamoxifen

For those interested in the specific details:

I have an invasive ductal carcinoma, which is a grade 3 (meaning fast growing) but it's been speculated that it's still in stage 1. It is ER+ and HER2/neu+, and possibly PR+. I have neither the BRCA1 or BRCA2 gene mutations, and there is no other breast cancer in any of my family (but as my surgeon told me, "it has to start somewhere!")

For now, I'm staying really really positive because I have an excellent prognosis and obviously I'm going to be fine. I will most likely be extremely medicated after surgery but feel free to contact me if you' like.

(Thanks to Amelia for naming the blog and to Louis for giving me the nice pink background after I told him I wanted "no pink!")